Joke of the Day

Del Boy

New Member
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "your eyesight's f**kin' perfect".

Enjoy

Del

P.s. On behalf of my wife and I, I want to say a big thank you to Stephen Canning for the brilliant work done on my house over the weekend, thanks again Stephen.
 

Stephen Canning

Moderator (The Commons)
Your'e Welcome

You are more than welcome Derek. Turned out to be a lot harder than I first thought, but we managed to get it sorted and thats the main thing. :)
 

THE STIG

New Member
Harder To Find

Howdy Abandies,

Del Boy Always On The Ball With A Joke ,and A Good One With That,post As Many As Possible To The Commons Website Asap As Things With The People Here Have Long Gone Stale!!!!!


P.s. Did Ya Hear About The Cavan Man That Was Caught Riding His Cat????
The Judge Let Him Off,
Because It Was The First Time He Was In His Kitty.
 

Del Boy

New Member
Enjoy

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the
Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their
maker, God decides to grant each person one wish
because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps
His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to
be gorgeous too" Another snap of His fingers and the
wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling
on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his
wish will be.The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."


NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY:D

Regards

Del-Boy
 

Del Boy

New Member
Hee hee

ARE YOU MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????????


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director about the criterion which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. '

No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


Del:D
 

Del Boy

New Member
Have a good weekend everyone

immy Carr one liners.....

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: 'What's my favourite flower?' And you murmur to yourself: 'S**t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?'

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: 'I'd like a job please'. The hardware store owner says: 'We don't hire dogs, why don't you go Join The circus?' The dog replies: 'What would the circus want with a plumber'.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud 'I've already Got one!'

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
'This door is alarmed.' I said to myself: 'How do you think I feel?'

Del aka the S.C. (for one year only):)
 

Del Boy

New Member
Ha Ha

:D blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message — "...If you want to buy marijuana, simply press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him *50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. 'Is it common?'. "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


Del
 

Del Boy

New Member
Ha Ha

2 blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message — "...If you want to buy marijuana, simply press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him *50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. 'Is it common?'. "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


Del
 

Del Boy

New Member
Just for the adults ha ha

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very Tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Del:D
 

Del Boy

New Member
A bit of Humour

Hi Folks, its been awhile so enjoy,

Subject: Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
> We decided to grab a bite at the food
> court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
> sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in
> all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
> My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would
> look and find him staring every time.
>
> When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
> "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
> in your life?"
>
> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
> choke on his response; knowing he
> would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
> in his response.
> "Got drunk once and had s*x with a peacock.
> I was just wondering if you were my son."

Del
 

Del Boy

New Member
funny

Enjoy,

Garda Dave wakes up after a night on the beer (Copper Face Jacks of course) and rolls
over to find a girl in the leaba with him - he has a vague memory of drunken monkey s*x so
is a bit chuffed with himself but his shift starts in a short while so he crawls out and heads towards the
shower graciously grunting to the semi-conscious conquest that he'll drop her home on his way to
work - she accepts in a similarly coherent fashion. A s they're driving down the road she gives
him directions by pointing at the relevant turns as they approach them - Dave is happy with this as
he is still not fully with it after a while they're driving past a halting site when she mumbles "Pull in
here" Daves a bit surprised but thinks maybe she's even more ropy than him and needs to spew so
he pulls in she gets out, thanks him for lift and says she'll call him soon Dave's getting a bit worried now
as there's nothing for a couple of miles in any direction except the nearby caravans but decides to try
and be a bit tactful "I thought you said you were a nurse..?"



She turns, looks at him bleary eye to bleary eye and replies;






"No - I said I was a Ward sister"
 

Del Boy

New Member
Ha Ha

HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: FW: The tax man



At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick
 

Del Boy

New Member
Ha Ha

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "
I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your
mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT
UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part........... :





"Only when he's been drinking."
 

Del Boy

New Member
Ha Ha

ubject: FW: Ah married life


3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: "the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothersfor the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says




"Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"
 

Del Boy

New Member
Three little ducks go into a Bar............
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey, " was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. < BR>
"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said , "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.


"My name is Puddles."
 

Del Boy

New Member
Very Funny

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently from
Curves, although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some
friends from work, you don't know them.'

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was
buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out
of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my Taylormade R7
appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro
shop where I bought it?
 
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